rants of a bittersweet

"mataas ang standards mo… demanding ka… eto ka, eto lang sila… you’re intimidating… you’re seeking for a perfect person and you won’t settle for anything less than that."

- jan claire luzarraga to me (nov. 16, 2006)

remember this: above are the words that finally opened the floodgates in my eyes. i don’t know why it happened at that time when usually it doesn’t but the thing is, my tear drops fell. voluntarily. fast. seemingly endless. *deym!*

—–

nothing in the hours before that night could have triggered the show of emotions that I have made. i’ve been fine all day long — no untoward incidents or whatsoever. in fact, i was about to call it a day by 4:30pm. however, a plan to have a good time was spontaneously made by my friends (as always) and so I abandoned my original plans of going home early and just read whatever.

the first hour that we were together is just great. as always, we’re laughing our asses off as we kid around. moments like these with my friends are always fun and probably worth looking back years from now. and as times like this usually go, stories are told.

this is where the drama began.

you see, leyah had this story about her that happened some three or four years ago. we were all surprised by what she related that we joyously made fun of her. di mo kasi akalain. hehe =) however, napunta sa akin ang direksyon ng biruan — and i can understand why, coz i’ve been known for my readiness in displaying angst for as long as they could remember whenever that certain topic comes to the fore.

and as one thing leads to another, a discussion and redundant session of pondering was yet again born to make sense of why the hell i am what i am when all the world seems to be able to find their respective matches (more or less). for the nth time, i heard statements such as "oo nga pam, bakit ganun?! ikaw pa of all people eh diyosah ka?!" and "kung si *blahblahblah* nga meron, bakit ikaw wala?!" oh well, my love life (or lack thereof) is such a big deal to other people, ayt? ha.ha.ha.

to cut the long story short (coz its so redundant anyway), naiyak nalang ako. napagod siguro ako. and jam was so good with the words she said even though alam ko na yun coz it has been said many times many ways before by many people. ganun nga siguro ako: perfectionist and intimidating. ayaw kong maniwala kasi deep down feeling ko hindi ako ganun pero kung yun talaga ang consistently na nakikita ng tao, then so be it. anyway im not willing to change anything for anyone coz its who i am. kung masamang ugali pa or something yun napapansin nila then its reasonable to change — but its not the case.

ayun.

bahala na.

i rest my case.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 17th, 2006 at 9:35 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.