rants of a bittersweet

i have always wanted to say a lot of things, to write about my sentiments, to express my inner thoughts. but each time i try to let them all out, i always find myself lacking of the perfect words that could grasp what i exactly feel. para bang i have it all in my head, in my heart, in my soul, but when im about to speak them out nawawala na. just what im feeling right now actually. ang hirap ng ganun. swear. nakaka-frustrate. super.

and whenver im at this point, il look like im someone completely void of emotions. my friends, who are not used to seeing me like this, would immediately feel that something’s wrong and ask, but i just couldn’t simply bring myself to say it all. i just say "im ok," but in a tone that even i dont trust.

and for sure you’re wondering why the hell i am not telling anyone about it, right? maybe because at the back if my mind, im thinking that i dont want to burden THEM with MY problems coz in the first place, its MINE. and really, a lot of people could give such good advices but knowing me, il just follow them if that’s what i want to hear… (dba dianne??).

so the tendency for me is to just keep it inside then forget about it in time. then there would be a point na akala ko nakalimutan ko na talaga but really, all it takes is a simple event/thing/song/whatever that could make it all come crashing back to me like an avalanche. this, in turn, shall put me in a new all-time-low, a new Guiness record, congratulations.

yeah, it could be said that its dangerous — just keeping it all inside. and that one day pag napuno ako bigla nalang ako sasabog. but really, what do you want me to do if i cant simply let it all out? and one more thing, i cant cry over things that i think needs some serious all-out crying. no matter how much i wanted to shed even a single freaking tear over something, i cant. which is bad, i know. seems like that’s one hell of an outlet that im missing. kaya nga God knows how i envy those who could very well make use of this outlet, like saj…

and then just when things seems to be looking up, another somekinda heartbreaking event will happen. un bang akala mo "this is it" na coz good things are happening, everyone’s happy for you, and you’re doing the right things but in the end its the same bitter ending din pala. honestly, im getting tired of this vicious cycle (yeah, it has become a cycle by now).

why does this have to happen to me? really i just want to be happy, but all im getting is the converse.

will someone finally break this curse on me?

lately i can tell that i’ve experienced excitement, nervousness, happiness (euphoria?) contentment, hopefulness, boredom and in the end, frustration.

and now you’re probably thinking about what is it exactly that i’m feeling right now after feeling all those eh? well, the answer is: i don’t know. therefore, I’m officially… confused. yeah, i think i am. terribly. and i guess among all the feelings i have listed above, confusion is the worst and happiness is the hardest one to keep because it usually lasts for just a few moments. sad, but oh-so-true ;((

also, i can’t help but think about what will happen next after it all. honestly, im hoping for the best. i really am (i mean, who wouldn’t right?). but then i realized that the ‘next to happen’ is not for me to decide anymore. and even if it is for me to decide, i don’t think i could bring myself to do it (this is sooooo me, ask my "best friend of the year" dianne. she knows. she understands me…coz she’s also like this).

knowing me, il just wait. hanging by the moment ang drama. ganun. sana may ma-achieve ako by being like this… but one thing’s for sure, i just want to be happy. finally…

haaaayyy… what next?

Today is the 29th of october: 12 days after the official end of my 1st sem and 13 days before i start with the 2nd. So technically speaking, im currently at the middle of the vacation days. the worst and most boring part perhaps.

God knows how much i looked forward to these days back when i was doing all the requirements sleeplessly… but i never thought that i’d really be so sick of it, just as im feeling right now actually. in fairness naman, i had fun with the first week of vacation. i had (and still having) more than enough hours of sleep, surfed the net everytime, played xbox, downloaded a LOT of mp3s, updated this computer, read a book (a brainless one actually…oh well :-P), helped arranged an alumni gathering, did something for my org, cleaned my room (oh yes, that i did! religiously. haha!), and ate for like every two to three hours (thank God im the type who doesnt really get fat :-D).

But now…. seems like nothing’s left for me to do. waaaaahhhhh!!!! :((

I tried to reach out to you again

for some finality — a proper closure.

I did that bcoz I know im already cool with it.

But what the hell did’ya do?

Ignored it. Darn, I know you did.

I’m not stupid you know. That’s you (for assuming I am).

Fine. I’ve moved on.

suit yourself.

eat my dust.

loser.

haha.